The Truth Will Set You Free

Disney’s 2000 movie, “The Kid,” depicts the story of a very successful image consultant, working for the big names in politics, sports, and the media. Ironically, Russ has developed quite an image for himself as an over-driven, selfish, and heartless man. A bachelor, he lives alone in a huge house full of glass with an uncomfortably sterile environment.

Russ’ controlled life is turned upside down when a mysterious kid shows up, bearing the same name (going by Rusty, Russ’ childhood name), the same scars, and the same pudgy body Russ once had. When denial and disregard fail to get rid of the boy, Russ finally acquiesces, and begins asking questions to figure out what truth he must recover from his past to move forward in his future.

The subject of his dad comes up, and Rusty talks about how he gets angry and yells at him when he messes up. In fact, he's carrying a screw in his pocket that he lost a week before and had since found, but was too scared to tell his dad about it. Their conversations take them back to his 8th birthday when the young Rusty ends up in a fight on the playground at school. When his mother comes to retrieve him, we learn from the principal she has been very ill, unbeknown to Rusty. His father unexpectedly meets them in the driveway as they return home.

Watch the clip below of that fateful day.

STOP the video at 2:55. It is important to stop here--you can finish the clip after reading to the end of the blog. Be sure your volume is turned up.

Remember Jesus said, referring to Satan, "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy" (John 10:10). And the primary way he does so is by lying to us about ourselves, others, how we perceive a situation, God, and more. Jesus tells us the devil was a "murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." (John 8:44b)

What is he after you ask? Our heart. Satan knows who you can be and he fears you. As daughters of Eve, yes, we know now we are bent toward sin, but we were created in the image of a beautiful and glorious, life-giving God. Woman is called ezer kenegdo (Genesis 2:18), better translated as lifesaver. (to understand more see, "God's Love, PartVIII "Experience the Width," October 2010 archive). When we live from our hearts the way we were originally intended, not only are we free, but we are able to offer life to others in their time of desperation.

When we are young we know nothing of Eve's story nor God's plan of redemption, so our enemy seeks to take us out early. While we are freshly wounded and most vulnerable, he pours salt into our wounds with his soul-killing lies. In the scene from "The Kid," we see how Rusty grew up believing his mother's death was his fault. As children, we lack the spiritual, mental, and emotional maturity to process our experiences accurately. Then we are further wounded into believing horrid things about ourselves (Stasi Eldredge, Captivating).

To make matters worse, we end up making all sorts of vows out of self-protection, burying our souls even deeper with every wound, every lie believed, and every new vow. For Russ, he was never going to cry, be weak, or let anyone close to his heart. It seemed too great a risk. Someone might get hurt, and no one was going to find him at fault again. He was in complete control of his life.

The verbal and sexual abuses I endured as a child and teenager left me feeling hopeless, bad, and a constant disappointment (to others and to God); shame had arrested me. Because I believed the crimes against me were solely my fault, I also believed I was a dangerous person. That my desires for love, care, and attention only got me into trouble (God-given desires the enemy had twisted.). I had better stay away from people--don't get too close. Steel walls were erected around my heart, no one was getting in, and this girl wasn't about to get out. As a result, duty, busyness, and control summed up my adult life.

Like Russ in the movie, I had to go back to the places I was wounded to identify the lies and discover the truth. This is not connecting with your "inner child" as some psychologists and new age believers would tell you. This is about your heart. John Eldredge says, "Life is a journey of the heart that requires the mind, not the other way around." Jesus wants to free us from the lies and labels of our past that chain us. We must invite Him in, give Him permission and access to our broken hearts.

Those vows we made as children act as sort of a covenant, a deep seated agreement with the messages (lies) of our wounds. They are dangerous. The key to unlocking them is in renouncing them. We cannot wait until we no longer feel they are true, we must renounce them before we're convinced they aren't true. Renouncing the agreements unlocks the door to Jesus. (Captivating)

Here's an example of how we would pray, taken from Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge.

Jesus, forgive me for embracing these lies. This is not what you have said of me. You said I am your daughter, your beloved, your cherished one. I renounce the agreements I made with [name the specific messages you've been living with. "I'm stupid. I'm ugly." You know what they are.] I renounce the agreements I've been making with these messages all these years. Bring the truth here, oh Spirit of Truth. I reject these lies.

And let the tears come. Tears validate our pain. They are, in a sense, like healing balm to our weary souls, tired from holding everything in for so long. Let it all out. Jesus Himself was a "man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). Make time for this. I used to get alone in my closet, my car, anywhere private and safe.

You need to give yourself permission to feel again. Many things will erupt. Anger was a first for me. That's okay. Anger is not a sin (Ephesians 4:26). You may also feel remorse, as I did. Deep sorrow over so many years lost. Whatever comes, let it be.

"Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there--the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and has no place to turn. The tears of a woman whose life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams."
(Captivating, p. 103)

Once the lies are broken, "then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32). Such freedom will reverse the life of control to a life of trust...trust in the One who set you free.

The One Who Knows the Steps Holds the Key to our Heart

One of my favorite movies is Shall We Dance? Partly because I can relate to the main character, John Clark, who seems to have it all, yet secretly longs for more. Life has become stale for him amongst all the routine busyness, and something is missing…that something is his heart.

Likewise, the lead female character, Paulina (and dance instructor), has a story of her own lost passion—once focused and fiery, now buried and locked away. She hides herself in duty and passionless teaching, short of temper and patience. Her distance is kept by her icy ways of communicating with others, especially John…the one person who has the key to unlock her heart again.

Before we get too much farther, let me pose a question:  how would you best describe your life right now? Alive? Free? Passionate? Or dutiful? Busy? Stale?

At one point in the movie we learn what has brought Paulina to this lifeless state. Exposed was the loss of her first love years before through a tragic scene of events on the competition dance floor. It wasn’t a true love to begin with, and her partner’s selfish intentions were revealed when her fall cost them a highly esteemed title in the world of dance.

Now John threatens to open the wounded part of her that she has worked so hard to protect. Despite her best efforts, he eventually breaks through, as his newfound passion in the freedom of dancing awakens hers once again. Though clumsy at first, John becomes quite the dancer, and finds himself signed up for one of Chicago’s finest dance competitions.

The only one who can take him to the level he is capable of is Paulina. She finally agrees to help him, and they meet one night alone at the dance studio. The music is intense, and so is the atmosphere as his strength begins to unlock her tightly sealed vulnerability. Paulina breaks away in fear and frustration a couple of times, but the reminder of what it feels like to be alive again pushes her to get back in the dance. She finally releases herself and leans into the strength holding her, abandoning herself to the music once again.

When the healing of our heart begins, usually something happens, a crisis of sorts, an awakening, etc. Somehow we begin to see that something just isn’t quite right; life is not the way it was meant to be, and far from what we long for it to be. Also, in the beginning of recovering that life, it can feel scary. Intimidating. Confusing. And we are tempted to push away. There is something so unfair about the way the enemy comes and cuts in with fear, tempting us to believe that the life we want is not worth fighting for.

Early in the movie described, we see Paulina looking out a window of the dance studio. She tries to keep her lost stares and her blank expressions hidden from the rest of the world. Yet hopes of surviving through duty and self-protection are challenged when John comes on the scene. Little does she know at first that the keys to true freedom are at hand.

So it is with God in our lives. After running long and hard away from my past, a few great losses too close together stripped me of all the strength I’d carried. Then my tightly built, self-made walls of security came crashing down around me. It was in that desert place God came for me in the most unexpected ways. And He comes for you just the same, Dear Friend.

“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.”

(Hosea 2:14-15 NLT)

Jesus knows the key to unlocking our heart is found in facing our past. It first takes stripping us of all our destructive ways of survival and self-protection. Then we must go back to the place where we were once wounded and recover what was lost, stolen, and given up there.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

(John 10:10 NIV)

One of the problems, though, is that we’ve believed a lie that what happened in our past doesn’t matter. We fail to see how our past shaped us and made us who we are now. We try to forget the past, but even if we do attempt facing it, well-meaning people tell us to “just let it go.”

Ever wonder what in the world that means? Listen clearly, Friend, letting go only comes in healing. If it didn’t, then Jesus would not have made a big deal out of being the one who comes to heal the brokenhearted!! (Isaiah 61:1, Luke 4)

Our minds do not have the ability to forget our wounds forever, and our hearts are not able to just pick up and move on as if nothing ever happened. If we try, we’ll carry the bloody footprints of our hearts with us every where we go. Just look at the desolate woman next door, or the one who fights to be the center of attention at work. Yes, even the one exhausted by controlling her world and almost every person in it. (the latter was me)

As we begin to dig into the recesses of our pasts, I realize how painful some reminders will be. No one wants to go there, but take heart…we are not going alone. Jesus is going with us…He wants to heal us, set the record straight, and restore what has been lost and stolen. Remember, He wants to fix it. (“When Partial Isn’t Good Enough” January archive)

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”

(Isaiah 61:1-3 NIV, prophesying of Jesus)

Only Jesus holds the keys to unlock our heart, and with His healing, bring the liveliness, passion, and freedom we long for. He knows the dance steps, and He leads with a strength we can trust. Take courage. We have nothing to lose, and everything to gain!

One Size Does Not Fit All

Every person has owned one at some time or another—the infamous “one-size-fits-all” shirt, hat, or covering of some type. If you’ve looked around lately at all, you’ve certainly noticed that everyone is NOT the same! Short, tall, curvy, straight, round, and not-so-round. Have you ever looked in the mirror after putting on one of those things?! Name one person who actually looked flattering in a “one-size-fits-all.”

              

We are all different—in shape, personality, talents and strengths. Jesus knows this—after all, He’s the One who made us! (Psalm 139:13) He also knows that each of us has a set of experiences from the time of our birth that are uniquely our own. Even though some of us have experienced the same joys, hurts, and failures in life, still, each experience has its differences.

Knowing this, Jesus does not try to force us into a single mold when it comes to healing our hearts. There is no set formula. A + B does not always equal C. In terms of a healing journey (I use the word “journey” because heart-healing is a process), my husband likes to say, “Everyone’s on the same journey, just the scenery is different.” God’s aim is to make us whole, but because of our uniqueness, His ways of getting us there will be both similar AND different.

Last week we dissected just one blind man’s story of healing through Jesus in the gospel of Mark. Remember how Jesus spit on his eyes and put His hands on them (twice) before He could see clearly. In Mark chapter 10, blind Bartimaeus is healed by the simple words of Jesus saying his faith had made him well. To one pair of blind men in Matthew 9 crying out for healing, Jesus asked if they believed He could do this, and upon a “yes” answer, He touched their eyes so they could see. Another set approached Jesus later in chapter 20 crying out for the same, and Jesus asked them what they wanted him to do—a different question, and yet again, a simple touch to meet their need.

One size does not fit all.

My own encounter with Jesus began several years ago as I had been praying through a certain set of scripture verses on a daily basis. One verse in particular just didn’t seem to apply to me, so after weeks of this I implored my thoughts to Jesus. When He put His loving finger on the infirmities hidden deep in my heart, I gasped at the sight of my own condition, now in plain view. Gently and lovingly He began, with my permission (He is a gentleman), to touch every wound I had. And I devoured every book, song, sermon, and scripture He sent my way to facilitate healing over the few years that followed!

God knows you and understands you inside and out—He doesn’t miss a single beat (Psalm 139). Therefore, He knows exactly what will be most effective for you on this road to wholeness. Be on the look out for the Spirit’s leading. The little nudges to read “this” book, or listen to “that” song. Sometimes when we’re not trying so hard to figure it all out, He surprises us with answers.

(Beware that not all spirits are of His Spirit. The Bible tells us in 1 John 4:1 to test the spirits and see whether they are from God, that many false prophets have gone out into the world. If you come across anything that is not in line with what He tells us in the Bible, it is not from Him!)

There are a few books listed on the right-hand side bar of this blog that promise to be freeing, and not just another book to tell you what you aren’t doing right or need to do better. Under the “Music” tab you will find songs of promise and healing. If you like to write, grab a journal and pen your thoughts, prayers, and God’s revelations along the way. Make a CD of the songs that speak to you, or add them to your ipod. Jesus is ready and waiting with the perfect fit for you.

When "Partial" Isn't Good Enough

There’s a uniquely intriguing story that involves Jesus and a blind man that puzzles at first glance, and deserves a closer look. Set in the heart of Mark chapter eight, it seems almost random amidst the happenings prior to and after it. But that’s not what puzzles me. See for yourself.

“[Jesus] came to Bethsaida; and they brought a blind man to Him, and begged Him to touch him. So He took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the town. And when He had spit on his eyes and put His hands on him, He asked him if he saw anything. And he looked up and said, ‘I see men like trees, walking.’ Then He put His hands on his eyes again and made him look up. And he was restored and saw everyone clearly.”

Mark 8:22-25

Okay, so maybe we find a few things puzzling about this story! Spitting in someone’s eyes to make them see sounds a little weird, not your typical doctor’s practice of modern medicine—even among natural therapies. But Jesus is known for doing things different, so no big surprise. It is the partial healing that takes the stage here. In no other recording of healing within the Bible do we find such an account. All other physical healings were instantaneously complete. (Beth Moore, “So Long Insecurity”)

Is anyone else marveling at why this happened? Was Jesus having an “off” day? Maybe He just couldn’t get it right the first time.

Jesus:  “What do you see?”

The man:  “Uh, men like trees walking.”

Jesus:  “Oops, let’s try again. Now what do you see?”

The man:  “I see everything clearly now!”

Could it be He lost His train of thought or His connection to the Father? Not likely, huh? Perhaps He was trying to make a point we would desperately need to understand for our own healing. Follow closely for the next few minutes.

We are often satisfied with partial healings (or even no healing at all). We chalk everything up to personality or an inability to change. On the other hand, as my husband and I have facilitated restoration in small group settings, we have witnessed people get up and walk out early on with the statement, “I’m fine; I’ve had successes in my life and I’m fine. I don’t need this.”

Many people wrongfully assume that a person must appear “messed up” or have painfully obvious pasts to need such healing. We have a certain picture of what such a person looks like. Often weak, maybe unable to hold a job or run a family, severely emotionally unstable, etc. On the contrary, most people have become quite accustomed to responding to life around them in a way that disguises, diminishes, and even denies the wounds of their past. Because they are functional, they believe they are fine. I can relate; that was me a decade ago.

As God began to pry my eyes open to the truth, He gave an illustration that is profoundly true. A broken bone that is not reset will still mend—to a point. It may still be able to move and function, but it will not have the full range of motion it was originally intended to have. It is limited, and will cause us trouble along the way. In order to fully restore the bone to its intended state, it will require a surgeon to re-break it at the point of its wound, and reset it properly.

Back to the story of Jesus’ encounter with the blind man in Bethsaida. Jesus was not satisfied with what the man first saw when asked. He could see alright, but he could not see clearly or properly! Jesus didn’t want to improve the man’s eyesight. He wanted to fix it. (Beth Moore, “So Long Insecurity”)

So it is with our broken, wounded hearts.

Most of us as women can understand the concept of wanting to “fix” people, or situations. We are pros at fixing, or at least trying! We fix our children’s boo-boos, our husband’s mistakes (it’s ok to laugh here), and our friends’ problems. It seems we are always aiming to take the pain away or make something work.

When it comes to the heart, however, there’s something we must understand. Only Jesus can fix our hearts. It is Jesus who God sent as prophesied in Isaiah chapter 61 and fulfilled in Luke chapter 4, saying, “He has sent me [Jesus] to bind up and heal the brokenhearted…”

As stated in the last blog, this is not “12 Steps to a Better You.” Jesus is not aiming to make us better (remember, that is largely sin-management). He wants to make us whole. It is time we remove the steel walls tightly securing our pasts and invite the one true Surgeon, Jesus Christ, to come with us to the points of our wounds, and set them straight once and for all.

Just when you think this is as good as it gets, Jesus says, “Wait, there’s so much more.”

The Proven Offer

“THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound,

To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,

To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion--to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit--that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”

This recording from the Amplified Bible in Isaiah sixty-one is fulfilled by Jesus in Luke chapter four. Simply put, the reason Jesus came was because we were held hostage by an enemy bent on our destruction and by our own sin. It is the mission of the Christmas story. Though probably not the one you’ve traditionally heard of, or thought.

We picture cute little figurines portraying a peaceful Mary and Joseph, with quiet onlookers, gift-bearers, and a few animals. The weight of the moment is a bit lost in our “safe” little world. Much more is going on than meets the eye. Just why was this little baby sent to us? Read the passage from Isaiah again.

If you have lived a few years on this earth, you are well aware that life here includes affliction of every kind, broken hearts, various forms of captivity, mourning, and dreams that have crumbled to ashes. No one escapes unscathed in this world. We have all sustained injuries.

And our God is angry. Huh? Look at verse two in the second paragraph: He has come for vengeance! To destroy our enemies and make right what has been wrong!

Back to the sweet little manger scenes we have sitting on our coffee tables or see in front yards. Jesus wasn't found in a warm, cozy house, or even in a busy hotel. He came in a cattle stall! Dirty. Smelly. Cold and dark. Sometimes our lives are like that cattle stall. And we still find Jesus in those most unexpected places...

We began exploring the topic of healing and freedom in the past couple of weeks. You need to know up front, this is not “12 Steps to a Better You.” Jesus is not aiming to make you better (that would be only sin-management). He wants to make you whole.

But first, we need to know that we are broken in order to see our need for healing; and to accept God’s healing. In order to accept His healing, we need to know and trust the God who longs to give it. Believe me, He wants to give it more than you want to receive it. The series on “God’s Love,” beginning in the August archive, unveils the mystery, adventure, and rescue of the story that God is telling and we are now living. It gives a clear picture of who this God is, and promises to captivate our hearts.

If you haven’t read it or would like a refresher, do so over the next couple weeks. It will prepare your heart and awaken your God-given desires. Both of which are needed before we move forward.

I am taking a break from writing over the holidays, and will return to the blog the first week of January. Then we will gently begin to venture into deeper territories to see what it might look like to experience the healing we secretly long for. Jesus is the only proven offer. He comes to where we are, even if it is dark, ashy, or smelly. And He must have seen that we are worth coming for.

What Band-Aids Won't Heal

Dictionaries and definitions aren’t usually a wow factor in the beginning of an article or blog post, but that is precisely where we begin our topic today. Some things just need to be defined up front. So, what is “healing,” or what does it mean to “heal”?

Heal—1 to make or become well or healthy again 2 to cure (a disease) or mend, as a wound. (Webster’s New World Dictionary and Thesaurus)

By definition, there must be something wrong to need healing. Something has become unhealthy, or has been wounded. We’re not discussing scraped knees and paper cuts here, but wounds of the most deadly kind…wounds of the heart. Possibly the most misunderstood and overlooked. Psychology has made it only about the mind, scientists have reasoned it away, and sadly much of the church has misunderstood the role of the heart itself.

Proverbs 4:23 tells us the very wellspring of life flows from the heart, and for that reason, we need to protect it more than anything else! The physical heart is central to our ability to live and thrive as it pumps life-giving blood to every organ and every inch of our bodies. When it is wounded, life is threatened. It is the same in spiritual terms with our hearts.

But what might be a “wound” to our spiritual heart? Any time a person does not love us, treat us, or respond to us in the ways God intended, whether intentional or not, we are wounded. It can be as simple as a distracted parent, or as complex as sexual abuse (as I shared in my story in the last post). The death of a key person in our life. Other examples could be the cruel taunting by kids on a playground, or the betrayal of a friend or group of people. And yes, wounds can be self-inflicted through sin.

The aforementioned are barely scratching the surface, but such wounds bruise, hurt, and cause trouble, upset, and pain. We are broken, sometimes shattered into a million pieces, and the flow of life within us is greatly hindered. Without even realizing it, we find ways to self-protect out of survival when we are young. It appears we have adapted, or found ways to cope. Yet often we’ve made deadly vows to keep our hearts from being hurt again, and the life-giving wellspring is cut off—unable to flow in or out.

If you don’t believe me, think about your own responses and knee-jerk reactions to life. All things are not so easily chalked up to personality alone. “That’s just the way I am.” “I’ll never to that again!” (Fill in “that.”)Take time to ask yourself (and God) why you are a perfectionist (I’m in recovery!), or painfully timid. Maybe you’re the life of the party and in constant need to be the center of attention. Do you hide (or hide your past)? Drink or eat too much? Too little?

Make no mistake, our enemy—also God’s enemy—is behind it all. His ploy is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10a), and he’ll use humans to run his errands for him (that’s the wounding). He’ll steal our innocence, joy, security, you name it. The very image of God written on our hearts is destroyed and marred by our sin and afflictions.

Thankfully, our God will not sit idly by.

He sent Jesus “to heal the brokenhearted.” (Isaiah 61:1, Luke 4)

“’…all who devour you will be devoured; all your enemies will go into exile. Those who plunder you will be plundered; all who make spoil of you I will despoil. But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the Lord.” (Jeremiah 30:16-17a)

There is much to uncover and much to explore on this subject, which we will do over the coming weeks. To restore is to give back something that was taken, lost, etc. (Webster’s). After all we have suffered, this seems utterly impossible; too good to be true. According to Jesus, “’with man this is impossible, but not for God; with God all things are possible’” (Matthew 19:26).

This is what Jesus came to do. And that's the offer:  to heal and restore our hearts to their original glory. Let's explore the possibilities!

From Slavery to...

Several years ago, exhaustion found me lying in a heap on the floor, crying out to God. These were the cries of misery coming from the depths of a wounded heart. Years of oppression had taken their toll. No longer in denial, I had become painfully aware of my condition. I was a slave to my past; and I wanted to be free.

My story is not much different from the Israelites who found themselves enslaved by the Egyptians long ago. They were the chosen and blessed people of God, multiplying by leaps and bounds.  Fearing potential threats to his reign, Pharoah, the king of Egypt, sapped their life away under the most ruthless and harsh conditions of slavery.

Oddly, the Israelites continued to multiply under Pharoah’s oppression. So he took drastic measures to reduce their potential by killing their baby boys. However, God saw their misery, heard the cries of their torment, and executed one of the most dramatic rescues of history. It was a rescue from slavery to freedom, emptiness to plenty, brokenness to wholeness.

God first rescued me through the work of Jesus Christ at the tender age of seven when I first realized I was bent toward sin, and in need of a savior. But I have since learned that we, like the Israelites, continue to need a rescue—not just from our sins but from a wounded past that haunts us! We have an enemy much like the king of Egypt, named Satan. He knows who we can become in Christ, and he fears us. Prideful, power hungry, and at war with God, he seeks to destroy and enslave us through whatever means possible.

Growing up in a Christian home and in church does not ensure a perfect and pain-free life. By the age of ten, I had suffered verbal abuse, along with the devastating effects of sexual abuse by three different persons. The enemy took his cue to pour salt in these wounds, enslaving me with his lies that I was the guilty one, bad, disgusting, and an utter disappointment.

Like the Israelites, I managed to grow in spite of the oppression, which I kept neatly tucked away and hidden. As the saying goes, kids are resilient (but only for so long). Growing in wisdom and boldness through adolescence, I shared my relationship with Jesus openly with peers and adults alike through mission trips and on the home front. Clearly my life was a threat to the enemy’s kingdom. So he sought to decrease my potential with what he hoped would be the final blow…

Though it appeared to others that his oppression had had no effect, we both knew I had believed his lies and tried hard to forget them. Knowing this weakness, he crafted an ultimate betrayal while I was still a teenager. An ongoing emotional, spiritual, and sexual assault by a pastor—a misrepresentation of God’s love and care.

For years afterward, it seemed the enemy’s plan had worked. I succumbed to the lie that I was a hopeless disappointment, and my life a travesty. Running from my past, shame and fear permeated every day of my existence. A once vibrant, passionate, Christian life had been reduced to an empty life of duty, perfectionism, and control.

Never wanting to be or feel out of control again led me to this style of living and relating with others. Unexplainable anger (to me at the time) erupted often in the privacy of our home like a volcano. All this affected my entire being, my marriage, and my children—oppressing us all—yet I continued to keep my world spinning on this axis of control for nearly a decade.

That is when exhaustion and frustration finally got the best of me, and I began crying out to God. The more I cried, the more I awakened to the depth of my condition. I was a slave. Chained and beaten by the enemy’s lies, pushed to the brink by self-preservation, my heart needed deep healing and restoration. I cried out for a rescue!

My cry came before Him, into His ears. The earth trembled and quaked because He was angry at my enemies. He parted the heavens and came down. He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy; with great bolts of lightening He routed them. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He rescued me from my enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.

(Psalm 18, various verses NIV)

Unlocking my heart took three courageous years of perseverance and endurance, allowing Jesus to walk me through the recesses of a mangled past. First, He began stripping me of all the destructive ways of survival and self-protection. Going back to the point of each wound, He recovered what was lost, stolen, and given up there.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

(John 10:10 NIV)

Lovingly and patiently He tended my heart. He scattered the lies and renewed my mind with the light of His truth. When taking another step proved too painful, He just held me close.

There were days it seemed God was distant and victory impossible. In those times I had to believe Him to be who He says He is, the God who “is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 NIV)

That season of intense healing brought a freedom I never knew was possible. The freedom of becoming—not just better—but whole.

Life was regained.

Trust was restored.

Hope was renewed.

God proved His grace truly is sufficient by relentlessly coming for me time and time again.

I have learned that wherever we are, God sees us, hears our cries, and is determined to rescue us. Will you let him free you, too?