Kill 'em With...Kindness?

Evil expects us to recoil in fear and shame. To hide in its shadows, giving way to death as we bar the doors of our heart while refusing passion and intimacy. It thrives in such conditions, seizing control over its wounded. For most of us, it’s how our heart responds to hurt.

In the last post, we unraveled some deep truths about bold love and what that might look like in the realm of forgiveness. We grazed the idea of confrontation and rebuke, offered in hopes of repentance and redemption for the ones who have wronged us. And now, another concept of bold love and forgiveness:  doing good to those who hurt us.

No, it’s not our knee-jerk reaction! But one that can only come from a mature heart. A heart that has received substantial healing and grace itself.

“On the contrary:  ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

(Romans 12:20-21)

In the classic Disney film, “Beauty and the Beast,” a prince turned beast locks a young girl, Belle, away in his enchanted castle. At first, she recoils and hides as evil expects, with evil growing all the while. But, with the gentle encouragement of the castle’s keepers, Belle begins to offer life to the Beast from the good of her heart.

(after starting the video, click on the timeline bar at the 43 seconds mark to begin the clip at the correct scene)

The Beast is caught off guard. His surprise causes him to fumble, so he works to regain his beastly composure. It isn’t easy at first and it doesn’t come naturally, but Belle must continue to boldly offer love to this most unsightly one. With each act of kindness, the beast’s composure begins to melt.

In the end, Belle’s love is able to break the evil spell and the Beast is restored as the prince he was meant to be.

I know. It's so tempting to chalk this up to simply fairy-tale. A fairy-tale we have falsely believed will never come true, all the while secretly hoping it will. That's because we misunderstand the gospel to which these fairy-tales are pointing. Yes, it will require tremendous courage and sacrifice...but it IS true and it can and does happen.

This is the hope and possibility when we live by the wisdom of Paul in Romans 12:20-21

Paul strikes a death blow against evil when he tells us to give evil life. It is like pouring life-giving water on the Wicked Witch of the West—she melts. Life and death do not mix. And when life, light, and love—in all its humble beauty, broken strength, frail boldness, and passionate other-centeredness—encounters evil, evil must flee or be transformed.

(Dr. Dan Allender in The Wounded Heart, pp. 244-245)

So the next time your tempted to run and hide in the shadow of evil-doers—or that family member, friend, or co-worker that has wronged you—try offering kindness instead. Your Heavenly Father will show you how as He encourages you. Evil cannot last in the light of bold love.

**Again, if you are dealing with an abuser or a past-abuser, do not go alone. Offering kindness in such a situation may look very different, and should never put you in a position to be alone with an abuser. Reconciliation is possible, but not always obtained, and not always safe. Each situation is different. We recommend counseling (which we offer through Rally Point Ministries, see Contact tab, as well as other trusted sources), and safe-guards until/if reconciliation is fully achieved.

Bold Love (offering love in the most impossible places)

Confrontation. Ugh. The very sound of the word causes the skin to crawl and the stomach to sink. Most of us would rather run and hide than confront someone who has hurt us. On the other hand, some people rather enjoy fighting back, but rarely with the goal of reconciliation. (click here for the topic of vengeance)

Before moving forward on the subject of “bold love” and some of what it entails, there must be a prerequisite here. Assuming that we have journeyed significant time through the processes of healing—honestly facing our wounds while allowing Jesus to shine the searing light of His truth on each situation; refusing to believe and accept Satan’s lies and false messages through our wounds; and finally, repenting by refusing to be dead, refusing to mistrust (not care about) others, and refusing to despise intimacy and passion.

(The latter is from The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allender, Chapter 12, and we will move toward this in later topics of healing.)

Many of the processes of healing have been discussed on this blog site beginning in the December 2010 archive. Albeit a very condensed version of the process! If you cannot identify with the above, please consider it before attempting the bold love discussed next. Maturity comes through such a healing journey, and its timetable is different for each person, sometimes vastly so. “The common factor in the process is that it will lead to a freedom to love.” (The Wounded Heart, p. 240)

Hold on. Wait a minute. Depending on the person and hurt you are working to forgive, you might be thinking, no way on earth will I ever love ________!

In earlier sub-topics on forgiveness, I’ve admitted that some people and offenses are “easier” to forgive than others, depending on our relationship with the person and how deep the wound. But bold love includes forgiveness. It does not, in case you are wondering, remove righteous anger or say the hurt didn’t matter. Quite the opposite, in fact. Romans 12:9 tells us that “love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.”

Bold love in the realm of forgiveness can be defined as, “the free gift that voluntarily cancels the debt in order to free the debtor to become what he might be if he experiences the joy of restoration.”  Forgiveness can then be "defined as:  (1) a hunger for restoration, (2) bold love, and (3) revoked revenge.” Love and forgiveness, like the healing journey, have no specific formula or exact process for each person and situation. (click here to read "One Size Does Not Fit All") The heart of the lover must be free to imaginatively ponder what it means to give grace to an offender. (The Wounded Heart, pp. 239 & 242)

One of those ways includes confrontation. Confrontation involves rebuke, and rebuke opens the door to repentance. “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him and if he repents, forgive him.” (Luke 17:3)

Jesus gives us specific instruction towards our brothers and sisters in the faith. (Keep in mind the timetables will vary greatly, with no exact steps or techniques for every circumstance.)

"If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend.”

And if he or she doesn’t listen…

“…take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church.”

And if that doesn’t work…

“…you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love.”

(The Message, Matthew 18:15-17)

Whoa. This is not something we see everyday. Nor is this permission to gossip or tattletale if the offender does not listen to us. Such an act must flow from a heart aiming for redemption in another, AND be preceded by MUCH prayer.

What if the offender is not a fellow believer? Because of the love of Christ and his entire mission to save that which was lost, set captives free, and restore us to our original glory (Isaiah 61:1-3), we still offer forgiveness and the possibility of redemption. If the person does not admit their wrong or move toward redemption, we are left to simply back away and try again (for redemption) another time. (forgiveness can still happen on our part regardless of the offender's response)

To address every unique situation would be nothing short of impossible, and the full topic of forgiveness and bold love can only be contained not in one book, but several! Each of us must look at our own relationships and carefully walk with God through prayer, listening, and studying his Word (along with the wise counsel of others with experience) to find the best individual route. For me it took eight months of such before I could bring to light the past abuse of a pastor. Yet another relationship took only a month or two. Both preceded by a few years of deep healing.

If the person you are working to forgive is someone you live with, strongly consider the counsel of a wise friend, pastor, or biblically sound and godly counselor (unfortunately not all are the same!). There are so many layers to work through. I would also suggest the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (for women, or Wild At Heart by John Eldredge for men).

With God’s grace at work within us, we can boldly go where few people do—loving by way of confronting, and with the goal of restoration for another human heart.

**Note:  If you are dealing with an abuser, or past abuser, do NOT confront such a person alone. As I mentioned before, it took 8 months of specific preparation for me to confront, preceded by a few years of deep healing--even then, my husband and I went with a trusted mediator with experience, and with much counseling and help from others trained in such a confrontation.


(We offer counseling through Rally Point Ministries, and when we see that more is needed than what we can offer, we have a few recommendations for counseling. You can contact us if you need help.)

1st Five in the Forgiveness "sub-series"

Click below to read any one (or all!) of the writings on forgiveness, a sub-series in the original series on Healing. It is notable that the very topic of forgiveness is a touchy subject for some. Like many other issues, there are times it has been mishandled, misunderstood, and lorded over the hurting without compassion or understanding. As a result, in our quest for healing and freedom, we’d sometimes like to avoid the forgiveness issue. But if we are to be truly free, we must come to understand and embrace the act of forgiving.

It's Not What You May Think

Courage and Will

Who's Vengeance is it Anyway?

Layer by Layer

Are We Putting On or Are We Peeling Off?

The next writing in this sub-series will be published this week!

Are We Putting On or Are We Peeling Off?

In the last post we considered the onion and how it relates to forgiveness. The onion reminds us that forgiving can be intense, and is rarely a one-time final event, even over a single issue. Layer by layer we heal, and layer by layer we forgive.

We learned that when we are hit again with hurt, sadness, or anger over a forgiven issue, it is primarily an indication that deeper healing is needed from Jesus himself. With it comes yet another opportunity to forgive. It is at that point we have a choice:  to allow another layer to be peeled off, or to put back on another layer.

Several key verses (Matt. 6:12, 14; 18:21, 35) use the word “forgive.” The Greek word is aphiemi, which means “to send away.” Furthermore in these verses it means “to let go, give up a debt, by not demanding it.” The prefix, apo, is described as “any kind of separation of one thing from another by which the union or fellowship of the two is destroyed.”

Our analogy of the onion fits in perfectly here:  by forgiving we give up the debt the wrongful person owes us and choose to no longer demand it from them. Instead, turning to Jesus to heal and restore us. “I [the Lord] will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten…” Joel 2:25. In doing so we peel off, separate if you will, another layer, destroying the union between us and the wrongdoer.

But what happens if we don’t choose forgiveness?

A root of bitterness is conceived.

And if that root is left unattended?

“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”

(Hebrews 12:15)

Allowing bitterness to take root undoes the work of the Lord, and therefore puts layers back on, weighting us down once again. When bitterness gives birth, Webster’s dictionary describes it as sharp, unpleasant, disagreeable, and harsh.

I was once all of those things! And boy did it cause trouble!! Not everyone knew, as it was mostly in my home, in key relationships, and in my very own heart. Being weighted down with many layers of unforgiveness and bitterness is misery.

If this is you, I urge you to take courage, invite Jesus back in to heal and to help you peel off those weighty and undesirable layers.

“A real step of courage and will. We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple:  Bitterness and unforgiveness set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that hold us captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you forgive, you remain their prisoner. Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). We have to let it all go.

’Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’” (Col. 3:13)

(Captivating, pp. 103-104)

In lieu of some of the comments below, click to read, Forgiveness:  It's Not What You May Think
Courage and Will 
Who's Vengeance is it Anyway?
Layer by Layer 
Bold Love: Offering Love in the Most Impossible Places
Kill 'em With...Kindness?

Layer by Layer

Onions. They look so innocent in their thin paper-like outer covering. If you’ve ever removed the outer skin and cut through one, you are not at all surprised by what happens next. Uncontrollably, you feel the burn. Your eyes begin to water. The deeper you cut into its layers, the more intense the burn until you are crying big tears!

Many people, however, are surprised—confused even—by the intense mental and emotional process of forgiving. We tend to expect, and sometimes actually receive immediate peace when we make the first step in choosing to forgive someone. Another false expectation is that of instant “finality” to the situation.

Surprise and confusion set in when later that day, or upon waking the next morning, we are hit again with hurt, sadness, or anger. The liar takes his queue to speak, “You didn’t really forgive. You’ve taken it all back. You must start all over again.”

In that moment, we misunderstand our continued need for healing from Jesus in these now raw places where we have chosen the most courageous act of forgiving. Remember, a person’s sin against us is the taking of something that cannot be returned by the offender. Only Jesus can return our security, trust, innocence, or joy. (click here to read "It's Not What You May Think")

We grieve what was lost and stolen by another another's wrong action. Grief is painful and intense. The deeper we walk into our wounded heart, the more intense it gets.

Inviting Jesus to go with us and heal our broken hearts will inevitably bring us to the choice to forgive. By forgiving, we choose to turn from the person who wronged us to the One who can heal and restore us. When we do, He is then able to do His work and “close up” that layer.

But then He takes us deeper, and another layer of our wound is revealed. There, more healing must take place. More truth must replace the lies we’ve believed. More needs to be restored. And another opportunity to forgive presents itself.

“At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, “Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?”

Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.”

(Matthew 18:21-22, The Message)

This conversation between Peter and Jesus is usually understood to explain how many times we forgive someone based on how many times they continue to hurt us. I also believe it can apply to how many times we forgive a single hurt as we continue to sift through our grief and loss.

The next time you are surprised by your emotions and thoughts after choosing to forgive, remember the onion. Forgiveness over even a single issue is rarely a one-time, final event. Layer by layer we heal, and layer by layer we forgive.

Who's Vengeance is it Anyway?

Why is it that some people are easier to forgive than others?

Our relationship with an individual and the amount of damage from their offense(s) has bearing on the ease or difficulty. This is different for each of us.

For example, in my life I could forgive my parents easily for any wrong toward me as a child. First, because I longed to please them and did not want to be a disappointment to them. Secondly, because I loved them deeply and desired a healthy relationship with them as an adult. (not to mention the awareness of my own imperfections as a parent!) On the contrary, a woman I know struggles deeply to forgive her parents because of the severe abuse and neglect she suffered at their hands.

The abusing pastor from my teen years was the most difficult for me. In part because of the process I went through emotionally in the years following his abuse—the explanation of which belongs in another subject in another post. But, mostly, the reason was due to the amount and depth of damage done to my own life and the life of my family.

Often, an insatiable appetite for vengeance grows where we are unwilling (and even unable) to forgive.

Weeks after taking the first step of choosing to forgive my greatest offender (before I felt like it), I penned these words in my journal after some serious time in prayer with God:

“[God] helped bring the depths of my heart to the surface. Part of me wanted him to see what he’s done, be held accountable, and see all the damage he’s caused in my life. I also got to thinking, I have suffered so much—me, my marriage/husband, my kids—I’d like to see him suffer. [Then] God’s still voice said to me, “He already is suffering. He has been suffering because of his sin—whether he realizes it or not, he already is suffering.”

In case you missed it, dear friend, hear it again. Those who hurt you, those you long to hurt in return, already are suffering because of their sin. (unless they have come to repentance and turned completely from their sinful ways, Act 3:19; though even then they may still suffer consequences)

“But your sins will eat away at you from within and you’ll groan among yourselves.”

(Ezekiel 24:23b, The Message)

“Many times he delivered them, but they were bent on rebellion and they wasted away in their sin.”

(Psalm 106:43, NIV)

“Then the evil desire, when it has conceived, gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is fully matured, brings forth death.”

(James 1:15, Amplified)

Those who remain unrepentant and deny their sin against you are already suffering.

“Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,’ says the Lord.”

(Romans 12:19, NASB)

Enough said. That arena belongs to God. And we need not get in his way or take matters into our own hands—as hard as that may be sometimes (and lest we sin ourselves in doing so!).

For those whom we find it more difficult to forgive, we must call upon the help of the Lord, who promises that vengeance is his and that he will repay their sins.

Courage and Will

The hard step of forgiveness:

“A real step of courage and will. We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple:  Bitterness and unforgiveness set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that hold us captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you forgive, you remain their prisoner. Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). We have to let it all go.

’Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’” (Col. 3:13)

(Captivating, pp. 103-104)

I know what some of you are thinking…”There’s just no way I can forgive.” “Easier said than done.” “It’s easy for God to forgive.” “I don’t feel like forgiving yet.”

Some of us are waiting to feel something first, as though forgiveness means we should have some ushy-gushy feeling of releasing the person. That’s how I thought when I faced the decision of forgiving my greatest offender.

Undergoing prayer counseling several years ago, walking through every relationship of my past and dealing with the spiritual issues surrounding each one, we came upon forgiveness. Sharing the thoughts above, among many others, I sat waiting in silence, trying to feel forgiveness and release. That is when the prayer counselor said, “It’s not about a feeling. Forgiving is an act of the will. Feelings come later.”

With her words there was a sense of relief. I had a choice to make, an act of the will. Step one, you could say. If I waited for feelings to come first, they would never come! But if I wanted my heart to follow, I had to choose to forgive.

Forgiving is not saying the wound didn’t matter, rather, the opposite. It is saying it did matter, and it hurt me deeply. What you did was wrong, and I release you to God. I will not be your captive any more. (Captivating)

It took a while for my heart to catch up, but I found it to be true that as long as I was unforgiving, I was bound to my offenders and to the messages of their wounds. Not only does the act of forgiving release the person to God, but it also releases our own heart!

Bitterness and anger no longer controlled me. It stopped spewing itself upon my family. Greater depths of healing were freeing my heart daily through the courageous act of forgiving. And I was no longer a prisoner to my offenders.

Who are you struggling to forgive? Will you take the first step today? Ask Jesus to give you the courage.

There is much more to explore and sift through here, and we will. But today, choose to trust God with all your fears and questions as you take step one:  choose to forgive. (It's not what you may think...)